2010년 4월 4일 일요일

11:43

It's 11:43, just 17 minutes before midnight.
I'm up writing my journal entry for English though I was told that it would be best if I did that by 7:00.
Typical Christine, procrastinating again.

I just felt like writing a blog entry right now.

I've been thinking these days.
From what I've heard from other people, apparently I appear very cold and distant to some people especially when I have my no-expression face on.
I never knew that, but I can sort of guess what I look like when I have my expressionless face on. My mom does the same thing, and she looks very cold though she is not trying to.
I guess I'll have to smile even more to get rid of that cold expression.

Also, there are times when I meet eyes with someone or look at someone and don't know how to react. Smile, look away, don't smile, nod, open my mouth and smile, close my mouth and smile? I feel very awkward in those situations, so I usually try to avoid people's eyes to not experience that moment of awkwardness. I know I shouldn't be doing that, so I asked my mom what I should do in those situations. She said that I should smile gently with my mouth closed. Easy to say, hard to do. But I'll try it out next time.

I've also had this wish that I had on my mind these couple of weeks - I wish I had a twin who was exactly like me. If she thought the way I did, if she understood how I feel, if she knew about what is going on in my life, then I would feel so much relieved knowing that there is someone out there I can completely relate to. I know that's not possible, and I also know that friends are the closest things that I have to twins. But I find it hard to reveal my complete self to friends. I don't know why, I just am a little afraid to show myself... None of my friends know what is really going on in my mind with the exception of one. Most people have the notion that I'm always happy enjoying life, because I smile a lot. Even yesterday, my hagwon teacher told me, "You must be very happy, you're always smiling!" and the upperclassmen at cheer practice also commented that my smile is frozen to my face. Yes, I do try to enjoy life, try to make everyday better by smiling because smiles bring more smiles, and am happy and grateful for the little things I encounter in life. Nonetheless, I feel like there's a little hole in my happiness, my smile, my heart. I feel like there's something missing, though I'm not sure of what it is. I feel like there's something I have to do, something I have to find. I can't really explain it, but thinking about that little hole makes me sad sometimes, and again, I'm not sure why. This is what I've told my friend who knows a little bit more about me than others, and now the readers of my blog will get to know me a little bit more. I ended up breaking down in front of her while telling her this, and I still don't know why I did. I wish I find that little missing piece of my happiness soon and smile without feeling that hole in the back of my heart.

I have to finish my journal now.
It's 12:09, which means that I've spent 26 minutes on this blog post.

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